prejudicial dating

Now that we're in our 30s, a friend and I often discuss dating on a more conceptual level. It's not that we think we're worrying about missing the boat; it's that dating changes as you get older, and to some degree, it's hard to tell whether you're changing appropriately with it. Now don't misinterpret that; I'm not saying I think we're not playing the game right for our age. I don't believe in playing games with dating, and I think mostly I succeed at not doing so. What I think you have to do—and what you are fortunate to have the gained wisdom to do well—when dating at an older age is shed some of the prejudices you once may have felt you had the luxury of sticking to.

Take for example an easy one: physical requirements. Years ago, when some friends of mine took a comment I made about there being "no Lara's man bar, no place where I can go and all the men are single, and available, and looking" and considered how we might build Lara's man bar, every detail of this bar full of men vying for my attention was catered to my pickinesses about who I would date. At the entrance would stand one of those "you must be above this height" cut-outs from the amusement park rides. Just inside would await not a coat rack but a shirt rack, since back then I liked men not only tall but well cut, and I really thought those things mattered; I really thought I could not be attracted to men who didn't meet those restrictions.

Over the years enough lanky guys of all heights and hair colors (I previously had a bias against blonds, too, though now I can't seem to get my eyes off them) have appealed to me that I've realized that the muscle does not make the man, and I've let go of some of those silly daydreams.

What's been harder to get over is my belief about how a guy I should be with should be. I don't mean what he does with his time or what he believes in; I mean how he is with me. I have long felt there are two ways to be in a relationship—co-dependent or independent. You won't be surprised to hear that I strongly favor the latter. Co-dependency goes against my entire being; no doubt because of the 22 years my parents spent poorly married, I strive to be as happy as I can be all on my own. Only once I have contentment as a single girl do I feel I am in shape to be in a relationship well. And as a person who has long known that contentment, I've been having a hard time finding someone else who both prizes that in me and has achieved it in him.

Now don't get me wrong—I'm not looking to be in an unloving or self-centered relationship; I am a born nurturer; I love pampering and caring for people and do it (if I do say so myself) very well and all the time. It's just that I believe in caring for yourself, too, and I want to be with someone who knows how to do that—who knows that I can be an incredible bonus on top of the rest of what he has but does have a lot there for me to build on, a joy all his own for me to add to.

To my surprise, the last few guys I've dated seriously or considered dating seriously have been a hint toward the co-dependent (my last boyfriend definitely was). All are still well-formed beings, so it's not like all they want in life is to be a boyfriend, but they definitely all view being in a relationship as better than not being—and that is very different than what I think I want. But am I foolish to stick with that prejudice? Am I foolish to think that someone who favors being in a relationship just for the sake of being in one is someone who could never make me happy?

I will admit that my leaning is still to avoid anyone who views alone as lonely, single as un-loved. But recently a part of me said to another part: reconsider that, just theoretically, and see what you think. And you know what struck me? Maybe someone who is a little emotionally needy is at least someone who is in touch with his emotions; and maybe that's just as important as having your whole sense of self sorted out. After all, I want someone who wants to be in a relationship because he wants to be with me; and to know he wants that, he's got to know what he feels. So I've been trying to lighten up on my judgments ; to remember that my m.o. in life is to live and love a lot, not just a little, and maybe the person who can return that comes in some quite different package than I expect.